Whistling dixie as the ship sinks

Ever wake up and realize that that spinning is no longer the rotational forces exerted by the earth’s orbit, that it is actually your life slowly unraveling. A long time ago I laid out a simple plan for the direction of my life. (ME + wife)*(MS+PhD) = job^happiness. Well, I got the wife and shortly thereafter what I discovered was that no matter how hard I tried I was in a doldrum. No motivation to do the things I want to; no desire to accomplish the goals or even basic responsibilities. It’s a terrible feeling to see everything you need to do and just not have the motivation to finish or even start any of it. I figured I was lazy and selfish–that I wanted to change, but I just didn’t have the will to go through with it. Tortured myself with the concept that I was doomed to let my life slip away on my own accord. It took a few years, but the information has finally poured in. Apparently I’m fucked in the head. Not so much in a metaphorical way as much as a DSM-IV way. It’s a lot of fun to go off-roading through your life’s plan. Now I’m playing with pharmaceuticals. An assload of antidepressant here, some seizure medication there. If anyone wants to play the guessing game: What am I being treated for when I am on a combination of lamictal and wellbutrin? Princess leia might know. Anyhow, I’m on month three of medication and year four of a two year graduate program. I just resigned from teaching high school because I have come to the conclusion that students in Haysville, KS are pretty much bags of flesh that border on sentience. Nothing more than a sum of instincts. Plus the job requirements were becoming overwhelming. That’s a fun side affect. Being overwhelmed easily. Love that one. Working two jobs to recover the salary and wondering if my grad advisor still knows my name. Had to pawn off editing the thesis to my own mother. Yep, the earth keeps on spinning and at some point I’ll stop skipping through the ether and find equilibrium. I just wonder if it will be something I’m happy with…

3 Responses to “Whistling dixie as the ship sinks”

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also, someone wanna give me a quick instruction on how to throw that continued thing in there so I don’t take up the entire damn page with further posts?

jheckmann - July 10th, 2007 at 9:22 pm

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Jon-

I’m not sure I’m even qualified to adequately give a response to you… it sounds like you’ve been in a low place, for a long time now. I’m sorry, and I hope the medication can help you reach a better, more stable and fulfilling place. It happens– I know lots of people who need medication to help with depression and other issues. The brain can be chemically imbalanced, and negative behaviors can be reinforced.

I can commiserate with you, to a large degree: My graduate program has been off-course for far too long, as well. I have great difficulty communicating with my thesis advisor, leading to some great frustration, and to me being attached to a dying project– I’ve been pressing to get one good paper out of it, but even that may not work out if the data isn’t reproducible enough. So as soon as possible I’ll be meeting with him in the hopes of finding a new project or some new directions to give me some hope of actually getting my PhD.

I’m lucky, in that I have Teisha, and friends, and family, who have been very supportive. And I always try to step back and realize that my work isn’t my life, and make time to enjoy my time with them, and hobbies, and the simple joys (like walking on the beach).

I sincerely hope that you, too, can find things to keep you happy in hard times. Get in touch with me sometime- if you’ve forgotten, my e-mail is bonham at this website.

Paradoxdruid - July 11th, 2007 at 7:17 am

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Ooo ooo, I know the answer! It’s bipolar depression! And at a guess, it’s BP Type 2, elsewise they wouldn’t be risking manic episodes with the wellbutrin. My own brain care specialist has mentioned lamictal, though I’m currently on Trileptal (anti-epileptic with off-label BP uses) and zoloft (I was on wellbutrin, but it caused anxiety).
All of which is to say, I’ve been there (and continue to be there), and can sympathize. I also know the whole “I’m a lazy shit” self-loathing that it causes. If you need somebody to talk to, or advice, or anything, just let me know.

Owen - September 11th, 2007 at 6:48 am

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