Alien Vs. Predator

I’ll be honest with you. I didn’t proofread my review, even a little, because this movie wasn’t worth the effort. I also give away the entire “plot.” But, it is bitter and I know that a lot of you like bitter. Read (and view) at your own risk.

PS- I promise that my next review will be better, less bitter, and not about something so painfully bad.

Alien Vs. Predator

 

Wow. Words cannot fully express the pain that this movie induced in me. It wasn’t quite seizure inducing . . . but damn. Let me begin with the flimsy excuse for what I’ll generously call a plot. This crazy, rich, old man (played by Lance Henrikson) owns this huge company. While I don’t think names matter much in this movie, in general, let it be known that his name is Weyland, hence the “W” associated with the Company in the Alien movies. A Weyland satellite discovers a ridiculously huge pyramid 2,000 feet beneath the icy surface of Antarctica. So, he assembles a team of “experts” to go down there and investigate. So he can make even more money and be more famous.

 

So, we meet our heroine (Sanaa Lathan). She’s some expert survivalist/extreme outdoor adventurer/environmentalist/hot chick. At first she doesn’t want to go because she doesn’t get much time to train the rest of the crew. However, somebody offers a flimsy argument and she gives in. Awesome. So, they go. Only to discover a perfectly round tunnel, at least ten feet in diameter, at a 30 degree angle has already been dug. Well, it wasn’t there before. They check their satellite images. “Gosh, it wasn’t there yesterday, but it is today. Let’s go down.” The drill team has no idea how anything like that could be done so fast, it seems eerie and suspicious, but they go down.

 

 Somebody steps on a stone. This activates, in a chamber below the main pyramid, an apparatus that raises an Alien mother out of the ground, out of her frozen, icy slumber. She’s chained up, pissed off, and laying eggs on a conveyor belt. Back to the humans. They split up. I mean, that’s what I would do if I were in a creepy pyramid I didn’t understand. One group stays in a room called “Sacrificial Chamber” while the others go downstairs, or something, to investigate. Well, more bad shit happens. The stones in the pyramid start to move. And the idiots get trapped in the sacrificial chamber. Alien eggs rise out of the floor and face huggers begin to come out. Then we have the amazing scene with a face hugger flying through the air in slow motion bullet-time with Matrix-like effects . . . Why? Why? Why? . . . The rest of the crew find Predator weapons and pick them up, not knowing what they are. The Predators get pissed. I mean, as one of the experts later discerns from hieroglyphics in the pyramid, the Predators come to Earth every 100 years and hunt Aliens as a rite of passage. Humans used to worship the Predators like gods . . . well, if I were Predator, I’d be pissed, too, if my minions picked up my weapons.

 

Anyway, every human is offed, some by Aliens, some by Predators. Except for the brave, survivalist woman I mentioned earlier. She befriends the only Predator that was left alive. Yes, the Predators are just as lame as the humans. So, this human and Predator hunt Aliens together and save the day. I could scarcely believe this “plot” development. He’s a Predator. He should’ve laid her to waste.

 

Oh, by the way, at one point the Alien mother calls her offspring to come bleed acidic blood on her shackles to free her. Why didn’t she do that years ago? When there’s fighting, the pyramid gets busted up. Why did it look pristine when the humans were investigating it? And this movie was worse than I’d imagined . . . Don’t See It!

4 Responses to “Alien Vs. Predator”

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Just as a reviewer of Legion of the Dead once said:
DON’T SEE THIS MOVIE! GO TELL OTHERS!

Man, the Aliens movies were high quality, the Predator movies were medium quality… who knew that the combination would be… well, I don’t want to sully the word “quality”, so I’ll gracefully call it shit.

Nice review, considering. 🙂 Though you didn’t mention the fact that, inexplicibly, they decided to kill off almost every cast member within a 10 minute period.

Paradoxdruid - September 5th, 2004 at 1:28 am

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Not that it needs adding, but this was a very baaaad movie, even granting that I wasn’t expecting much out of it. I also wanted to let some people know that both Catwoman and Dodgeball are opening in Denmark this week. Luckily they seem to realize by this time that these aren’t going to do good, so they’re not really promoting them. If I had to endure publicity for these movies again I don’t know if I could take it.

mcmillan - September 6th, 2004 at 7:09 am

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Oh, Andy . . . Catwoman is about female empowerment and independence. It’s got to be so amazingly fun! . . . at least that’s what Halle Berry seems to want you to think. I can’t for the life of me figure out why she’s so gung ho about making a sequel to it. Maybe I should see it before I get too critical, but I’m not sure I could stand the burning feeling in my eyes.

ShortSpeedFreak - September 6th, 2004 at 11:46 am

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I thought that was implied by saying that it was not needed to know the characters names . . . but, fair enough. I just hope that this badness doesn’t result in a sequel . . . oh, sweet god.

ShortSpeedFreak - September 6th, 2004 at 12:33 am

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